Alexa Babin

When things feel off, it can be hard to move forward. Sometimes I find myself doing a gut check to see if the move or decision I’m about to make is the right one. But what if your gut doesn’t know? What’s the barometer of right and wrong? Of good and better? Of maybe yes or maybe no? How can you know what to do when the waters seem murky?

I’m a pretty intuitive person. I can read a room quickly and get a sense of where a person is at, emotionally and mentally, with just a brief interaction or observation. I’m not right all the time, but I’m decent at tapping into the deeper layer of a person in my orbit. And I think I can do that with other people because I’m able to do it with myself. I’ve been told I’m very self-aware. That allows me to read others, too. But where does this come from?

Who we are and how we function is a compilation of many, many factors. Our personal beliefs, sense of morality, our conscience… and so much of it is taught. Learned. Formed over the course of our younger years, and often undone and re-formed as we get older. But a lot of it sticks throughout our lives, shifting ever-so-slightly as we experience more of the world and encounter people who are different than we are. So, when it comes to something being “right”—honestly, how do we know?

I get it—this is a very vague version of the thing we ask when we’re in a super specific situation. How do I know if this is the right job? The right person? The right time to send that follow up email? The right moment to have the hard conversation with my friend? The right way to respond to the pain I’m feeling? The right relationship to pursue? The right priority to focus on? The right purchase to make? The right career choice? The right school?

Confusion seems inescapable in this life. We all feel it more than we’d like, I think.

My theory is that what’s right can sometimes be relative, or hyper-personal, but other times, it’s universal and unchanging. So first, when faced with this question that can cause my stomach to twist and my heart to flutter, I like to address the moral side.

Is it right by nature of my moral compass?

Now look, the idea of a moral compass can be an entirely separate conversation, I know, but for now, I’ll say this—we all have one. We all have some inner sense of what’s right and what’s wrong, ethically speaking. Just make sure the source of your morality exists outside of yourself. Morality is derived from something bigger than our own ideas of right and wrong. If it wasn’t, it would all be relative, and while I’m sure there are plenty of people who believe that morality is relative, I can’t shake the sense that there must be something more at play… otherwise, how else would such a large portion of us agree on so many basics of what’s right and what isn’t?

All that to say—if I can ascertain that the decision in front of me is morally in the clear, I move on to the next layer of “rightness.”

How would it affect the other people involved or the greater situation at hand?

Sometimes jumping outside of our own perspective—which is just a sliver of the full reality—can be super helpful in determining if something is right.

For example, there was a period during my senior year of college when I was seriously considering moving across the world for a year to work with a campus ministry I had been involved with during undergrad. And while there was nothing morally “wrong” about it (it, in fact, felt exceedingly right at the time), I soon realized it was incredibly divisive in the context of my family. There was a lot of “right” when I looked at it with only myself and the ministry in mind, but when I held it up against the light of my family, it made much less sense. The “rightness” was tarnished. The hurt and rift it would cause with the people I loved most suddenly didn’t seem worth it.  

So I said no.

(While we’re here, it’s worth remembering that just because something is right doesn’t mean it’s best. In that moment, going across the world wasn’t best, even if for a moment it felt right.)

How does it align with the beliefs I center my life on?

Once you’ve cleared it with the moral compass, the environment/relationships around you, check in with yourself. This is the hardest layer, I think. So often this is where I lose the rope of reason that’s been guiding me so far. Why? Because it can be very easy to convince myself that something is right when it’s not. I can want things to be right without listening to that still, small voice within and allow myself to be swayed solely by what I desire. Spoiler alert—I don’t always desire the right things. Even more insidious is when I fool myself into believing that while the thing in front of me may not be perfectly right, it’s not wrong… so that must count for something… RIGHT?!

You see the dilemma. Maybe you’ve felt it yourself. Maybe that’s why you’re reading this post in the first place. You may get mad at me for this, but here’s the kicker…

It’s okay if you don’t know with total certainty.

Getting things right all the time is impossible. We are not perfect people. Do your best. Follow the wisdom you’ve been given that holds weight in your life. Listen to yourself and see how it fits into the context of the situation, your life, and the people around you.

At the end of the day, knowing if something is right can be excruciatingly hard, but speaking from experience, I typically know if it’s wrong. And maybe that’s half the battle right there.