Alexa Babin

If only I knew how many times I was asked this question in a week, or a month, or a year. How many times do I see it in a text, or hear it on the phone, or am asked face to face? Do I give surface level answers more frequently, or do I dive deep and get vulnerable?

It almost feels like a throwaway question.

When I’ve worked as a barista, this question often functions like a filler line that people hardly hear anymore. A customer asks, “How are you?” and without skipping a breath, say, “I’ll have an iced vanilla latte with oat milk.” There’s no space to answer because they weren’t really asking.

How often do I ask this question and expect an honest reply? Am I caught off guard when I receive one, something beyond the usual…

“I’m good”

“busy”

“tired”

“ready for the weekend”

“stressed”

“I’m fine”

… before then moving on to the obligatory return punt – “And how are you?”

These days, it’s more a courtesy than an act of real consideration.

Is this a question that we ever really mean on either side, whether asking or answering? I fear we don’t give it enough thought. Consider about how much power there might be in asking this with a genuine intention of hearing a sturdy answer.

Since we’re here, and this is today’s question that nobody asked, I’m giving you a transparent answer. Maybe it’s more complicated than you were looking for. Regardless, here’s how I am right now:

I’m rebounding from disappointment. I’m adjusting. I’m hopeful. I’m confused. I’m needy. I’m a little anxious. I’m still steady despite it all. I’m excited, and craving an afternoon coffee, and thankful for a day full of sunshine even though I got a little sweaty running from task to task on set. I’m a multitude of things I fear I can’t quite unravel into full thoughts yet.

And that’s okay.

What if we normalized that answering, “How are you?” doesn’t have to be pretty or clean-cut or fit neatly into the expectation that we’re always good, in every way, all the time? Of course, it’s helpful to read the room, so maybe here’s what I mean—don’t dump an honest answer on someone who’s not really asking. But perhaps you can be the kind of person who really asks. Who really wants to know the true answer. Who creates a space where others feel free and safe to answer as they want to… because if that happens, our honest answers to the question might improve, knowing that there’s someone out there in the world who genuinely wants to know the real stuff.

Try it. See what might happen in your world if you do.