Alexa Babin

I met with a couple women from my church a few nights ago and we had a discussion about humble confidence. Sounds a little like an oxymoron at first, right? How can a person be both humble and confident? But it got me thinking – there is a distinction between confidence and cockiness. Confidence is attractive; cockiness is not (to me, at least).  

Maybe the distinction is found in the source of the certainty. It seems that cockiness, or arrogance, to put it another way, comes from an exaggerated sense of self, whereas confidence stems from something else.

But what? Where do we find confidence? What is it built upon? And can it actually be humble?

When I was younger, I didn’t feel very confident. Over the years, I’ve learned a few things about feeling sure of myself.

Competency builds confidence. Gaining skills in a particular area of life and building on them over time is a great way to begin to build self-confidence. While I see the value in being the dumbest person in the room, I know that in learning something new and reaching a level of mastery, I will inevitably feel more confident, even if just in that specific area.

But the thing is, getting confident and competent in one area of my life often inspires me to do the same in other areas, too. Learning how to brew a quality cup of coffee might inspire you to learn how to watercolor, which might lead to you picking up tennis. Somehow, it’s all connected.

Prove to yourself that you can be good at one new thing, and you may very well find yourself trying new things more often. Putting yourself out there expands your sense of self. It’s hard not to feel confident when you’re living a full life and constantly learning. Plus, if you stick with one thing long enough to become something of an expert, well, that’s prime breeding ground for a fresh batch of confidence. An authoritative knowledge base inspires personal certainty.  

Facing challenges has also increased my confidence. If I look back at my life and remember all the difficult moments I have overcome, I feel a surge of assuredness. I can do this—I’ve done hard things before. It’s amazing the vast benefits our challenges can have, both in the moment and down the road. So don’t shy away from difficulty… lean in. Prove that you can handle whatever has been thrown your way. If you do, the next time something similar comes around, you’ll have concrete evidence that you are capable of managing it.

My confidence has grown a lot through the key relationships in my life, too. I’ve been fortunate to have a life surrounded by people who love, support, and encourage me. This happens deeply and often, and it matters a great deal. My confidence isn’t solely dependent on me—I rely on the honest and encouraging words of those around me. When other people believe in you, it’s much easier to believe in yourself.

At the end of the day, here’s what I really think…

Confidence is primarily about identity.

If you know who you are—and I mean if you genuinely, truly, deep down to the core of your soul know who you are—confidence comes much more naturally than anything I’ve written about above. I’ve found those ideas are helpful steps along the path of self-knowing, but they aren’t sturdy enough on their own. There’s more to it, and it has to do with who you are, how you were made, and what you were made for.

So, I guess that’s my final answer for tonight – my confidence comes from knowing who I am and what I stand for in this world.

(And yes, I do think confidence can be humble. The most confident people I’ve met are the ones who realize that despite how much they know, there’s a great deal they do not know.)